Pam still had a couple of B.'s CDs and I had left a CD at B's place that was Pam's. There was still the matter of returning these items. On my last conversation with Pam on the computer I asked her to return the CD's whenever she had time. She stopped by B's place and gave them back. B. forgot to return the other CD to her. B. went over to play some ball, and Pam was there too. When I got off the subway, I walked by the park and I saw B. there, and he was playing ball with Pam. I was hurt, and shocked, but mostly hurt.
Later, B. explained to me that there was no one else there that he could play ball with, so he asked her. I was still hurt. Had it been me, I would have just not played. We got in a fight over how I got mad at him over nothing, how I'm controlling, how I'm not letting him do what he wants.
"So what is this now!? I can't even SEE her? I'm not supposed to go to play ball EVER because she MIGHT BE THERE?!", he said.
B. is very big on how I try to control him. He likes his freedom, his stretch space. In getting over this infidelity, he wanted to do it HIS way. I wanted to do it MY way, and I was very hurt when he did not want to do it my way. Perhaps I was brainwashed. After he slept with Pam I looked up articles and read anything I could find on getting over infidelity. In everything I read, it said that the cheating partner must agree to do what the faithful partner suggests, because this shows the unfaithful partner's willingness to do what it takes even if it's not what he/she likes, this shows commitment to the process. B. did not want to conform and do it my way, so when I asked him to purge of her screen name, of everything, he did not do it, and instead did what he wanted to do. He said, "isn't it better if I do it on my own time? Wouldn't that show you more than if I did it because you commanded me to?". Yes, but how could I know he was going to get rid of that stuff, EVER? Even today, he still has stuff lying around of Pam's. And YES, it would show more, but it would help me sleep better if he would just do it.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. You must understand that this was not very long after he slept with her. You can imagine how hard it is to trust someone after they have slept with someone else. He said I just have to trust him. Regaining trust is the hardest thing in the world. I don't even think B. realizes that because even now, he gets angry when I don't trust him. It comes gradually and very slowly. It inches slower than glaciers.
When we left the park, Pam said bye to B., she would play ball with him, say good-bye to him, and be civil to him, even though he slept with her and told her that it doesn't mean anything, but she can hate me for doing nothing. I was so frustrated and angry at that injustice. Why should I lose a friend just because B. did something?! Why should I pay for his wrong doing?! And why should I have to pay such a large price?! I was so angry and frustrated.
Now, reader, you must understand, I have many acquantices, but as far as friends go I have very few. I think this is the case for many people. Some people are just better friends than others. For example, I have this elementary school friend, we went our separate ways after elementary school and did not talk for 3 years. When I saw her again after those 3 years we talked and laughed as if that time had never elapsed. I have another friend whom I've known since childhood, we were inseparable but she moved across the country a few years ago. Her mother (whom she lives with now) does not allow her to talk to me because she has this unreasonable hatred toward people from New York City.
This friend of mine, Elizabeth, she was my best friend. Our families were connected in this weird way. Her cousin was my brother's best friend, her younger cousin was in the same class as my younger cousin, our fathers knew each other, our grandparents knew each other. Her family, was kind of like my family. I was devastated when she moved and did not leave my house for 3 weeks. Since then, I've become wary of friends and I try not to lose friends when I find one that I can relate to.
I cannot say Pam was my best friend, but she was a friend. When I knew her in junior high we were in two different cliques, so I didn't talk to her much except for the few instances I was in class and saw her. I can't say it's the same as my elementary school friend where it seemed like time had never passed, I'd have to say that Pam and I we were never great friends to begin with in Junior High, but after cliques stopped becoming so important, we were able to actually be friends.
That was my reasoning for wanting to "iron things out" with Pam. She didn't see it that way, she saw it as me trying to protect my image of the "nice girl", of the "good holy righteous girl", but I was really just trying to get closer so I could do more damage to her. I don't think I'm "holy", or "goody-goody", that was just my reasoning. I didn't expect us to be friends again, if I were to be friends with her then I wouldn't be able to be with B. If you look at it that way, I was caught between two people, my boyfriend, or my new friend. I "chose" my boyfriend. I say "chose" because Pam hated me anyway, so it's not like I had much of a choice.
I was so angry at B., it's like he commits murder and he weasels out of the punishment and instead I get slapped in the face with the death sentence. I hate losing friends, I have never lost a friend before. I suppose you could say I lost Elizabeth, but I am so convicted that if we were to ever meet again it would be like the years had never passed. That, and I still have threads connecting me to her family. There was nothing I could do about Elizabeth leaving though, but with B., I found it so unfair! How could she not be angry at B. but be angry at me? I don't even know what she was angry at me for! In fact, she didn't even know what she HERSELF was angry at me for!
I told B. that it is so unfair that she can still be friends with him, with HIM, the guy who had sex with her and told her that it doesn't mean anything, but she can't be friends with me who she hates for no apparent reason.
"Well, what do you want me to do about that?! I can't make her change, that's just how she is! If she wants to hate unreasonably than that's her! I can't help that! That's just the way she is, why are you blaming me?!", B. said.
I did not blame him, I was blinded with injustice. It really isn't his fault that she hates me, that was just her reasoning.
When I think about it now, I'm not even sure if Pam and I would have made good friends. I think, I am more serious than she is. For example, when we were working together. She liked to play around a lot, she was very chit-chatty. Sure, the office we worked in was quite laid back, but it was still a professional place. I was chit-chatty as well, but I didn't like to linger around just to chat. So if someone was passing by my desk, we could stop for a couple seconds for a few exchanged words. With Pam, when I was working in the back, she came over while I was stuffing envelopes for a presentation and she just sat there for a good hour and a half chatting with me while I stuffed envelopes. It was fun, I could have definitely used the company, but when I asked if she had any work to do at her desk she said no and she was bored so could she stay and chat with me until they gave her something to do? I should have told her she was going to get us both in trouble, but I didn't, instead I said "Okay.. I guess so". Which is the wrong answer (now I know that).
There are a few key differences in Pam and I that would have caused problems were they to ever occur (again). Such as her knack for avoiding confrontation, how she lets everything get to her (ie: the incident with our supervisor reprimanding us for goofing off at work), how she holds grudges for reasons that don't seem plausible, how she doesn't listen when people talk, but hears what she wants to hear (B. says I do the same because when he tells me something I scoff and say "yeah, right". I HEAR it, I just don't BELIEVE it.)
As of today, I don't know what Pam thinks of me. Maybe she still hates me, maybe she doesn't. I don't hate her, I just figure that if we did have a strong friendship, it wouldn't be this way. But we weren't friends for that long any how. I asked her if we could be civil, but I guess her and I have different definitions of being civil. In a few obscure references she wrote on her online journal she said that if I have something to say, say it to her face, and she'll smack the crap out of me, and if she ever sees my face again she'll smack the crap out of me. She saw me, and no, she did not smack me. I guess since she did not physically touch me, but just verbally assaulted me that could still be considered "civil", I just didn't want any kind of slanderous revenge, or any sort of childish word play because I think not only is that uncivil, it is also tremendously immature and that just sickens me. I used to hang out with people who loved to play the childish name calling slanderous game. I stopped hanging out with them for the same reason, because they were so amazingly stupid and I kept wondering what in the world am I doing with people who can't even act civilly.
Later, B. explained to me that there was no one else there that he could play ball with, so he asked her. I was still hurt. Had it been me, I would have just not played. We got in a fight over how I got mad at him over nothing, how I'm controlling, how I'm not letting him do what he wants.
"So what is this now!? I can't even SEE her? I'm not supposed to go to play ball EVER because she MIGHT BE THERE?!", he said.
B. is very big on how I try to control him. He likes his freedom, his stretch space. In getting over this infidelity, he wanted to do it HIS way. I wanted to do it MY way, and I was very hurt when he did not want to do it my way. Perhaps I was brainwashed. After he slept with Pam I looked up articles and read anything I could find on getting over infidelity. In everything I read, it said that the cheating partner must agree to do what the faithful partner suggests, because this shows the unfaithful partner's willingness to do what it takes even if it's not what he/she likes, this shows commitment to the process. B. did not want to conform and do it my way, so when I asked him to purge of her screen name, of everything, he did not do it, and instead did what he wanted to do. He said, "isn't it better if I do it on my own time? Wouldn't that show you more than if I did it because you commanded me to?". Yes, but how could I know he was going to get rid of that stuff, EVER? Even today, he still has stuff lying around of Pam's. And YES, it would show more, but it would help me sleep better if he would just do it.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. You must understand that this was not very long after he slept with her. You can imagine how hard it is to trust someone after they have slept with someone else. He said I just have to trust him. Regaining trust is the hardest thing in the world. I don't even think B. realizes that because even now, he gets angry when I don't trust him. It comes gradually and very slowly. It inches slower than glaciers.
When we left the park, Pam said bye to B., she would play ball with him, say good-bye to him, and be civil to him, even though he slept with her and told her that it doesn't mean anything, but she can hate me for doing nothing. I was so frustrated and angry at that injustice. Why should I lose a friend just because B. did something?! Why should I pay for his wrong doing?! And why should I have to pay such a large price?! I was so angry and frustrated.
Now, reader, you must understand, I have many acquantices, but as far as friends go I have very few. I think this is the case for many people. Some people are just better friends than others. For example, I have this elementary school friend, we went our separate ways after elementary school and did not talk for 3 years. When I saw her again after those 3 years we talked and laughed as if that time had never elapsed. I have another friend whom I've known since childhood, we were inseparable but she moved across the country a few years ago. Her mother (whom she lives with now) does not allow her to talk to me because she has this unreasonable hatred toward people from New York City.
This friend of mine, Elizabeth, she was my best friend. Our families were connected in this weird way. Her cousin was my brother's best friend, her younger cousin was in the same class as my younger cousin, our fathers knew each other, our grandparents knew each other. Her family, was kind of like my family. I was devastated when she moved and did not leave my house for 3 weeks. Since then, I've become wary of friends and I try not to lose friends when I find one that I can relate to.
I cannot say Pam was my best friend, but she was a friend. When I knew her in junior high we were in two different cliques, so I didn't talk to her much except for the few instances I was in class and saw her. I can't say it's the same as my elementary school friend where it seemed like time had never passed, I'd have to say that Pam and I we were never great friends to begin with in Junior High, but after cliques stopped becoming so important, we were able to actually be friends.
That was my reasoning for wanting to "iron things out" with Pam. She didn't see it that way, she saw it as me trying to protect my image of the "nice girl", of the "good holy righteous girl", but I was really just trying to get closer so I could do more damage to her. I don't think I'm "holy", or "goody-goody", that was just my reasoning. I didn't expect us to be friends again, if I were to be friends with her then I wouldn't be able to be with B. If you look at it that way, I was caught between two people, my boyfriend, or my new friend. I "chose" my boyfriend. I say "chose" because Pam hated me anyway, so it's not like I had much of a choice.
I was so angry at B., it's like he commits murder and he weasels out of the punishment and instead I get slapped in the face with the death sentence. I hate losing friends, I have never lost a friend before. I suppose you could say I lost Elizabeth, but I am so convicted that if we were to ever meet again it would be like the years had never passed. That, and I still have threads connecting me to her family. There was nothing I could do about Elizabeth leaving though, but with B., I found it so unfair! How could she not be angry at B. but be angry at me? I don't even know what she was angry at me for! In fact, she didn't even know what she HERSELF was angry at me for!
I told B. that it is so unfair that she can still be friends with him, with HIM, the guy who had sex with her and told her that it doesn't mean anything, but she can't be friends with me who she hates for no apparent reason.
"Well, what do you want me to do about that?! I can't make her change, that's just how she is! If she wants to hate unreasonably than that's her! I can't help that! That's just the way she is, why are you blaming me?!", B. said.
I did not blame him, I was blinded with injustice. It really isn't his fault that she hates me, that was just her reasoning.
When I think about it now, I'm not even sure if Pam and I would have made good friends. I think, I am more serious than she is. For example, when we were working together. She liked to play around a lot, she was very chit-chatty. Sure, the office we worked in was quite laid back, but it was still a professional place. I was chit-chatty as well, but I didn't like to linger around just to chat. So if someone was passing by my desk, we could stop for a couple seconds for a few exchanged words. With Pam, when I was working in the back, she came over while I was stuffing envelopes for a presentation and she just sat there for a good hour and a half chatting with me while I stuffed envelopes. It was fun, I could have definitely used the company, but when I asked if she had any work to do at her desk she said no and she was bored so could she stay and chat with me until they gave her something to do? I should have told her she was going to get us both in trouble, but I didn't, instead I said "Okay.. I guess so". Which is the wrong answer (now I know that).
There are a few key differences in Pam and I that would have caused problems were they to ever occur (again). Such as her knack for avoiding confrontation, how she lets everything get to her (ie: the incident with our supervisor reprimanding us for goofing off at work), how she holds grudges for reasons that don't seem plausible, how she doesn't listen when people talk, but hears what she wants to hear (B. says I do the same because when he tells me something I scoff and say "yeah, right". I HEAR it, I just don't BELIEVE it.)
As of today, I don't know what Pam thinks of me. Maybe she still hates me, maybe she doesn't. I don't hate her, I just figure that if we did have a strong friendship, it wouldn't be this way. But we weren't friends for that long any how. I asked her if we could be civil, but I guess her and I have different definitions of being civil. In a few obscure references she wrote on her online journal she said that if I have something to say, say it to her face, and she'll smack the crap out of me, and if she ever sees my face again she'll smack the crap out of me. She saw me, and no, she did not smack me. I guess since she did not physically touch me, but just verbally assaulted me that could still be considered "civil", I just didn't want any kind of slanderous revenge, or any sort of childish word play because I think not only is that uncivil, it is also tremendously immature and that just sickens me. I used to hang out with people who loved to play the childish name calling slanderous game. I stopped hanging out with them for the same reason, because they were so amazingly stupid and I kept wondering what in the world am I doing with people who can't even act civilly.
1 comment:
Not sure where to post this but I wanted to ask if anyone has heard of National Clicks?
Can someone help me find it?
Overheard some co-workers talking about it all week but didn't have time to ask so I thought I would post it here to see if someone could help me out.
Seems to be getting alot of buzz right now.
Thanks
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